On radical self-care
Reflections on self-care and rest
I'm writing this post sitting on the floor, at 10:15am on a Monday morning. I'm not working, and I'm trying to fight the guilt of that. I'm off sick from work, because things have been difficult and the weekend wasn’t enough to feel rested, and I feel like every step I take echoes with the words I need to take a break.
And I feel like I've been waiting for the world to give me that break. Waiting for someone to swaddle me up like a baby, bring me breakfast and tea in bed and let me know “I’m taking care of you today, don't you worry about anything”. Preferably every day, in fact, until suddenly I feel great. For someone at work to say “You've been working hard. You've earned a day off, I can see you need it.” and to reward me with a chance to rest and heal.
Earlier today, I was reading an article (more on that later), and I saw this quote from Bell Hooks.
"One of the best guides to how to be self-loving is to give ourselves the love we are often dreaming about receiving from others. It is silly, isn't it, that I would dream of someone else offering to me the acceptance and affirmation I was withholding from myself."
Oh, she's right, I thought (Bell Hooks is always giving me these lightbulb moments). Here I am, waiting for someone to give me a break. More foolish still, waiting for a workplace to tell me I should take one, which we all know, isn’t really in the rules of capitalism.
And now I'm thinking about the concept of self care and why on earth we fight so hard against giving it to ourselves, all while desperately hoping that our capitalist and patriarchal overlords will take pity on us or recognise our valiant efforts and sacrifices and give us that which we should have offered ourselves long ago.
I could go down a whole rabbit hole of how much capitalism pushes and contorts us to fit its needs, and the toll it takes on our wellbeing - whether we let it twist us into something it can use and lose ourselves under its oppression, or whether we pour our energy into resisting and building boundaries against its expectations - but I'm trying to take a rest today and there are probably people more experienced and educated in the topic than myself.
One of those is an article I stumbled across this morning. It talked about the “soft girl millennial trend” and how the true meaning of “soft girl” has been lost in translation. The concept has been co-opted to become this cutesy, cottagecore aesthetic on pinterest, synonymous with wealth and consumerism and matcha lattes and all things bougie, maybe Sabrina Carpenter or someone else who’s “short and sweet”… but the term has its roots in Nigeria, where it originated to describe the rebellious act of self care which embraces the idea of radical rest. Being a “soft girl” or embracing “soft life” and “soft work” isn’t an aesthetic for your Pinterest moodboard; it’s a resistance to the ideals of hustle culture, and a backlash against the constant demand that black women must be “strong” and “fierce” and always working hard, or suffering some hardship. Instead, it creates a space for comfort, slowness, enjoyment of the moment.
And it follows a similar thread to one of my favourite quotes, by Audre Lorde.
"Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation, and that is an act of political warfare"
I suggest reading this not in a snappy, hyperbolic, girl-power mantra way, but earnestly, that taking care of ourselves can be truly - not metaphorically - resistance. Especially those from marginalised backgrounds and communities. Because the sad truth is that often those in power, capitalism, the patriarchy, white supremacy… they don't want us to take care of ourselves. Their care for human life is spread unequally. In many cases, they don’t want us to survive, let alone thrive.
So by reclaiming power over our own lives and resisting the pressure to work relentlessly and tirelessly and to sacrifice ourselves for the machine, by preserving ourselves, maybe we are actively rebelling against those powers.
If we can find a way to thrive on our own terms, take rest when our body tells us to, move when our body tells us to… rather than waiting for someone else to hand it to us, now that is radical.
If nothing else, maybe that’s the permission we need take a break when we need to and take care of ourselves the way we wish somebody else would. Guilt-free.
A Note from Me
Like I said at the start, I wrote this while sitting on the floor, and it reflects the thoughts rattling around in my mind while I try and get some rest. Hopefully you find something useful or interesting in here, some food for thought, or curiosity to read more from the people who originated the ideas I’ve written about. I lay no claim to the concepts of radical rest or self care, or the soft girl ethos. I also want to be clear that I’m not trying to claim the same hardships or experiences as the originators of the soft girl concept or Bell Hooks or Audre Lorde, but I do recognise the intersections of our experience as well as my privilege.
If you want to read more about these ideas, here are some recommendations.
Articles on the concept of “soft girls”
'Soft Girl': The radical trend millennials love by Evie Muir
A Short History of the Epistemology of the Soft Girl by Ijeoma Umebinyuo (the post is for paid subscribers only but you can subscribe for as little as £4 a month to support the writer and gain access to other essays and poems. I also have a couple of subscriptions to gift so if you’d like one, message me your email address.)
Books
All About Love by Bell Hooks
A Burst of Light (and other essays) or Your Silence Will Not Protect You by Audre Lorde
Love In Exile by Shon Faye (slightly more tangentially related to this than the others in this list, but Shon examines love, heartbreak and addiction, including self love)
The Body Keeps the Score by Besel van der Kolk (again, tangential to the content but relevant to trauma and healing, a different angle on taking care of yourself)